


Happy Birthday

by Grooot, MyWitch



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Art, Birthday, Fic Pic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-23 14:38:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17685365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grooot/pseuds/Grooot, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyWitch/pseuds/MyWitch
Summary: It is Severus Snape's birthday. Will it be a good day?





	1. Seven

**Author's Note:**

> Grooot wrote this gorgeous story for the livejournal 2019 Snapecase Fest, and MyWitch illustrated it.

When Severus awoke on the morning of his seventh birthday, he felt inside himself that it would be a Good Day. There was no tickling bubbles in his tummy that usually let him know it was a Bad Day… Or if he felt a little sick on top of all the other feelings, it was going to be a Worst Day. 

He could see his breath in the cold air of his bedroom, and he stayed in his warm bed for a few moments, puffing out tiny clouds in imitation of his da and his ever-present cigarette. After his morning pretend-cigarette was finished, Severus got out of bed, pulled on his clothes, two pairs of socks, and padded downstairs.

[](https://imgur.com/4SyWbF4)  


As he walked he grinned to himself, as he could hear the radio playing music somewhere in the house. That only ever happened on a Good Day, and even better, his mam was singing along. That had only happened once before, on a Best Day. Severus clapped a hand over his mouth excitedly, and his stomach swooped with a different kind of bubble.

Maybe today was a Best Day!

He stood in the kitchen doorway and looked inside. His mam was at the stovetop, cooking something in a frypan, and his da was leaning against the cupboard next to her, wearing his Good Day face. He was smiling at his mam as she cooked and sang, and he smoked a thin, fragrant cigarette. As he watched, his da patted his ma on her bottom and she laughed, swatting at his hand. 

Severus giggled into his own hand.

At the noise, his father turned towards him, and his face became blank. Severus’s tummy flipped uncertainly.

“Well, who are you? I was expecting my Sev, but you can’t be him.You’re practically a grown man!” his da said, looking around exaggeratedly. 

Severus giggled again. He felt the bird in his chest that he liked to think was the love for his Da. Today it was beating its wings hard, soaring out of him. “Da, it’s me! _I’m_ Sev!” he said proudly. 

“Well, what do you know! You _are_ him!” da said, peering into his face. He reached out with his big hands and hoisted him up into the air. Severus roared with laughter as his father flipped him and let him walk, upside down, on the ceiling.

“The blood will rush to your head!” his mam laughed, turning from the stove and putting plates on the table.

“I’m fine!” said Severus, who felt like his head would pop off at any moment.

“No use being seven and having no head,” agreed his da seriously and turned Severus the right way up before depositing him on his chair. His father walked over to the pot on the stove and decanted a strong, fragrant black liquid that Severus understood was an all-sustaining and powerful liquid for his parents known as coffee.

As his father’s back was turned, he watched his mam. She looked different on Good Days, and on a Best Day she was almost like a different mam, like his Dream Mam. Her eyes were still kind, but they were smiling eyes and her mouth turned up, not down. She walked to the table and put a saucepan on the table. 

Severus could feel his mouth water. It smelled amazing. 

_Breakfast!_

This was altogether a Best Day.

She deposited some fried bread onto his plate, and as Severus watched in awe, a few pieces of crispy banger floated up from the pan and onto his plate. She winked at him and placed a long finger to her mouth… Shhhhhhh. 

Severus _knew_ then. 

She only ever did magic on Good Days, and only a Best Day would prompt her to do it with da in the room. He tried to wink back, which he could only do by holding one eyelid open while blinking. She grinned at him and tousled his hair. His love for his mam wasn’t a bird, it was a bath that crept up, up, up and made him feel warm all over.

“Ready for work?” his da asked, and Severus looked up at him, mouth still filled with a glorious riot of fried heaven.

“Am I coming with you?” he asked excitedly. 

“Well, a grown man like yourself may as well get a job,” his da said, swigging his coffee from the chipped blue cup before digging around in his pocket for another cigarette.

“Put on your boots,” reminded his mam as he swallowed his breakfast.

Severus ran up the stairs to his room, pulling his old boots out from under his bed. His mam had got them from a neighbour down the street when her own son had got too big for them. They were worn in and comfortable and didn’t have a hole like his last ones had. He liked the big thuds they made when he walked. 

As Severus walked back downstairs, he noticed that one of the paintings on the wall done by his mother was gone: the lady with the pulled-off face. His favourite. He wondered where it had gone.

At the factory there was noise, people, and it was fantastic. Everywhere they walked, Severus’s da introduced him. “This is my son,” he said. “It’s his birthday.” The bird inside Severus flew higher that it ever had, gliding effortlessly, and he puffed his chest up as he walked the floor of the factory alongside the tall man. 

“Ah, you look so much like your da,” said one man who patted his head and gave him some boiled lollies in a twist of paper. Severus looked at the gift and up at his da, who nodded, and he thanked the man shyly.

Severus wanted the day to go forever. 

But not long after the last break the men took, where Severus sucked on an interesting twig he’d found while the men smoked and laughed, it was time to leave. Severus had looked at his da with the other men. He thought his da was the tallest man in the world, and his hair was blacker than the other men's as well.

His da always wore black, always, and his dark hair hung long against the back of his collar like a villain in a movie. Severus didn’t like thinking about Bad Days when he wasn’t in one. But on Bad Days, his father was worse than any monster from a movie. He would tower over Severus’s mam, and even if Severus ran upstairs and hid under the bed as far as he could go, the long arm could always reach under and grab him. The bird would be quiet inside him on those days, locked away in a cage right at the bottom of his tummy.

“Aren’t we going home?” Severus asked his da uncertainly as they turned a different way on the walk back home.

[ ](https://imgur.com/8yznUmD)

“Ah, a surprise for tea,” his da said. He smiled a crooked smile down at him.

Severus stumbled a bit as tried to keep up with his da’s long, black-clothed legs. He wanted his boots to make the same great, loud clop against the ground, but his feet were too little.

His da stopped walking suddenly and dropped his cigarette, grinding the butt under the heel of a boot. “You tired, Sev?” he asked gruffly.

“No, da, no,” insisted Severus. He was suddenly deeply angry at himself. How stupid of him and his stupid, stupid, tired, baby-legs. Now he had ruined the Good Day and made his da angry. 

The bird retreated inside him and he felt a prickling at the back of his eyes. 

But his da only smiled down at him.“Come on birthday boy,” he said. He grabbed Sev under his arms and hoisted him up into the stratosphere and onto his shoulders. 

His father strode on and Severus grinned, carefully holding onto his da. He could look down now at the glossy black head, and when he looked up and out at the street, he wondered if he would be as tall as his da. He imagined himself in that way—wearing all black of course—the sound of his boots echoing with each step. 

“And here we are,” his da said. Severus saw they were in front of a chippy. He felt breathless. He still didn’t know what to say. The whole day had felt like a wonderful dream. His father effortlessly placed him back on his feet in front of the store.

They went inside and his father strode to the counter and smiled at the lady who was red and flushed from cooking.

“Three pieces of cod and chips to go, please, love,” said his da, smiling at the lady. The lady went even redder under the smile from his da. Ladies always did that. Severus liked to think his own smile would make ladies go red when he was a grown up.

“Oh, and who is this little man?” asked the lady after she’d popped the wire basket full of deliciousness into the oil.

“This is my son, Sev,” said his da and he patted Severus on the head. 

Severus grinned and the lady smiled at him.“It’s my birthday,” he said proudly.

She leaned forward on the counter towards him.“Well, happy birthday, Sev,” she said. She smiled at him again, and Severus thought she wanted to give him something. Sometimes he felt like people told him things without speaking, and he was usually right. He mentioned it once to his mam, and she said it was a special trick, but he could never tell da

“I’m so happy. da says this is the best chippy in Cokeworth, and that’s why it’s my birthday treat,” he said.

The lady laughed. “Well, your da is a very smart man. Let’s see if I can’t rustle up another piece of fish and maybe a potato scallop to really make a proper birthday dinner.”

Severus watched her bustle away. He looked up at his da.

“You smooth talker,” his da said approvingly.

“Is that good?” Severus asked.

“Knowing the right thing to say at the right time is very good,” his da said thoughtfully and Severus nodded. 

His da took out a cigarette and his lighter and smiled down at him, and Severus could only see Good Day Da in his dark eyes. The monster was asleep deep down inside his da, sleeping too deeply to be woken today. 

“How’s your big day been?” his da asked, placing a large, warm hand on Severus’ shoulder and squeezing softly in a way that made his bird sing a golden song within him.

“A Best Day,” Severus said truthfully.

[ ](https://imgur.com/59LNutP)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Image descriptions for the visually impaired:
> 
> The first image is of Severus lying in bed. The colours of this drawing are muted and soft. Severus lies on a bed that appears cheap, with a metal rail headboard like the beds in a hospital, he is clutching the light blue blanket up to his chin as he blows three perfect rings of misted air. His face is round, signifying his young age and his eyes are wide and innocent. His cheeks are linked slightly and his dark hair is long and messy. To his right there is a tear in the wall with the interior showing through. The picture suggests an air of poverty but his expression is of innocent wonder.
> 
> The second picture shows Severus walking through the snow with his father. Tobias strides ahead of Severus. He is a tall, handsome man with black hair falling over his face and long legs. His hips are dipping as he walks and the pose is almost seductive. Tobias’s eyebrow is raised and his lips are slightly pursed sardonically, as if he knows exactly the handsome picture he makes as he strides along. His black, knee length winter cloak is unbuttoned and underneath he is wearing a white button-up shirt. A black scarf is tossed in the wind behind him as he walks. A lit cigarette dangles from his left hand. Severus is a few steps behind his father, gazing up at him adoringly. Severus has his hair peeking out from under a grey beenie, a green winter jacket with matching green mittens and his blue pants are tucked into sturdy grey winter boots. Behind them are the walls of buildings, with snow heaped against the walls and stacked into crevasses.
> 
> In the third picture, Tobias and Severus are waiting outside the fish and chip shop. In the picture Tobias is leaning on a railing with his right arm, a lit cigarette clutched between his fingers. A thin curling twist of smoke spirals up from the cigarette. His scarf is tossed casually over his right shoulder. His left arm is around Severus, his fingers embracing Severus’s left shoulder. He is looking down at Severus with intensity and focus, and it is difficult to guess whether he is pleased or annoyed. His black hair is failing artfully across his forehead and one eyebrow is arched slightly. Tobias has well defined cheekbones and a long, straight nose. Severus is looking up into his father’s face with undisguised and completely open affection. His black hair is straggling out from under his beanie and his mitten-covered hands are resting on the railing, behind them, the Fish N Chips sign is a muted blue colour and the inside of the shop appears to be olive coloured.


	2. Thirteen

A very freshly minted thirteen year-old Severus sat on the edge of a stool. His best friend Lily sat in front of him on a small, pink chair, which he assumed she’d brought from her room. 

He looked around at the bathroom. Lily had brought him here because she said no one ever used it. Severus very much hoped that. He looked back at Lily, whose head was bent over his right hand. 

She sighed in satisfaction and sat up.“What do you think. Cool?” Lily asked him, grinning widely. 

Severus looked down at his hands and the ten black fingernails. “Um. Sure,” he said a little hesitantly. 

She frowned a little. “Oh, don’t be like that! Wait until I’ve done your face.”

[ ](https://imgur.com/QW5uMCL)

“Are you sure boys do this?” he asked. He’d certainly never seen his da with coloured fingernails.

Lily huffed and tossed her hair. “Sev. _Everyone_ is doing it,” she said and gestured towards the magazines she’d brought in with her. There were pictures on the covers of musicians who Severus could, indeed, see were wearing many things Severus’s da had previously made clear were definitely not for boys. 

“Okay,” Severus said. After all, it was Lily’s birthday present to him. What had she called it? A _makeover_. Severus wasn’t necessarily interested in the makeover, but was certainly interested in spending the day with Lily. 

“Did your mum and dad send you something nice?” Lily asked as she clambered behind him clutching a hairbrush.

“Oh, I’ll probably get something next time I go back home from da,” Severus said lightly. He was at school. He didn’t want to have to think about mam and da and Bad Days.

She giggled. “I love how you say da. Everyone in Gryffindor says dad. What about in your House?”

“Oh, they say all kinds of stuff,” said Severus vaguely. He didn’t want to get into it. Every time they talked Houses they always ended up fighting. 

“Hmmm,” said Lily as she pulled the brush through his hair. It felt nice.

“What’s your favourite subject this year so far?” Severus asked, knowing the answer but asking it anyway. It was a Safe Question.

“Potions. Of course! Professor Slughorn says I’m one of the best students he’s ever taught,” Lily said satisfactorily. She was brushing the hair at the nape of his neck, rolling the brush and he could feel the not-unpleasant scratch of the bristles against his skin.

“Okay,” said Severus. He knew, unlike Lily, that adults said lots of things. Some of them were true; some were not. It was always better to assume something was a lie until it was proven otherwise.

“Okay,” Lily copied him, laughing teasingly. “Don’t be jealous!”

“I’m not! I’m not,” Severus said defensively. He wasn’t. Even if he was the best student in Potions. He just didn’t _tell_ everyone about it all the time. And the reason no one noticed was because he was quiet, that was all.

“That’s done. Your hair looks really cool like that,” commented Lily. 

Severus looked at the mirror in front of them. His hair, previously flat against his head which provided a handy shielding ability, was brushed back from his face. It had a slight wave now which made it fan out slightly at the ends.

“Great,” he lied, thinking to himself that it looked like how the older pureblood boys wore their hair. He could not return to the Common Room with the hair. It felt too open. Too obvious. It wasn’t safe.

“I know! I’m really great at hair,” said Lily happily. “You look like a rock star!”

“Thanks,” said Severus. He was pleased because Lily was pleased. But he also a little sad she liked him better when he didn’t look like himself.

“Now to the face,” Lily said determinedly. She walked in front of him and opened the clasp of a silver box. Severus could see all kinds of things in there that he was almost positive would not meet the approval of his da.

“Are you sure?” he asked warily.

Lily turned to him and she narrowed her green eyes.“Very sure,” she said and put her hands on her hips and stared at him, her foot tapping against the ground in an annoyed staccato. 

Severus’ stomach tightened nervously.“Sorry. Yes,” he said meekly.

“Yes! Trust me!” Lily grinned happily at his reply and his stomach settled back down.

He stared straight ahead as Lily drew around his eyes with some kind of pencil. He sat very still because when she first started he blinked, and she’d stabbed him in the corner of the eye. She huffed in annoyance as they then had to wait for his eye to stop watering. 

“Do you think about after school?” asked Lily as she drew. She was concentrating hard on what she was doing.

“Not much,” said Severus honestly. He mostly tried _only_ to think about Hogwarts when he was there, not beyond it. 

“I think I’d like to be Head Girl in a few years,” she said, starting her pencil work on his other eye.

“Maybe I could be Head Boy,” Severus said.

Lily stood back and stared at him critically. “Yes that looks good. It would be great if you were Sev, but Demelda says there hasn’t been a Head Boy or Girl from Slytherin in years.”

“Maybe I could be the first,” Severus said petulantly. 

It was annoying, Half the things in the school seemed to be no-go zones for his House. It was hard enough trying to get somewhere as it was, when he couldn’t even _talk_ about Hogwarts at home. If life was fair, thought Severus, someone who had a hard time at home would have an easy time at school. But he’d long discovered life wasn’t fair. It just _was_. 

“Maybe you could,” she agreed. “It would be fun if we both were. We could do rounds together.”

She evaluated him again and nodded. Severus looked across to the mirror. His eyes had dark around them, making him look like a ghoul almost. He didn’t think he looked like a rock star, unless he looked like a rock star who’d been dead for a while, then dug up and perhaps died a second time just before a performance. But he was warm inside from her comment… _It would be fun if we both were._

Lily turned away from him and opened the small, white box that had been sitting next to the silver one. She turned back around and he saw she was holding a small cake.“Happy birthday!” Lily said, thrusting the cake at him. It was obviously chocolate with a strong suggestion of being gooey and sweet. 

“Thank you,” Severus said a little croakily. It didn’t matter she hadn’t made the cake. It mattered she’d thought he should have a cake. Like he _deserved_ a cake. He was lucky to have Lily as a best friend. 

They ate the small cake together with the forks Lily had brought. It was as sweet, gooey and chocolatey as its appearance had promised. 

They separated, as always, on the way back to their respective common rooms. Lily walked up to Gryffindor tower, and Severus made his way down to the dungeons. After he watched Lily turn the first corner and she was out of sight, he hastily tried to remove the black from around his eyes, and return his hair to its normal state. He couldn’t do anything about the nails, but his robe was too big for him anyway, which made it easy to hide his hands. 

Severus looked ahead of him into the gloomy corridor and thought about how far the Slytherin Common Room was. Three corridors, four sets of stairs, and the password. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. 

He wasn’t scared. 

He _wasn’t_ scared. 

He wasn’t. 

Severus took out his wand and concentrated. He’d been reading a book that he’d found in the library, and he’d been practicing hard to try and get the spell he’d been searching for right. Without opening his eyes he moved his wand in the manner described in the text, and murmured the incantation. A sickening, trickling cold feeling began moving down from his head and he clenched his teeth together to stop the involuntarily whimper. 

He opened his eyes and looked down at his woozy, transparent body. A flame of excitement burnt up his spine. _Yes_! He’d done it. He briefly longed to share the moment with his mam, or even Lily. It was a proper spell after all. Not one for kids. But he daren't tell anyone. Secrets, after all, were his best protector.

In a better mood now, Severus began to walk carefully down the corridor, and relaxed more as he passed along it seeing no-one but sleeping portraits.

He’d entered the second corridor after the first set of stairs when he came across them.

[ ](https://imgur.com/LEMuS9A)

“I thought you said he’d be coming this way,” a bored sounding Black said, as he leant against the wall, flipping his wand end to end.

“Well, I heard Evans say she had a birthday surprise for him in the old bathroom up beyond. This is the only way to get back to the dungeons from there,” answered Potter.

“A birthday surprise in the bathroom. Gross,” Black made an over exaggerated gagging sound. “It’s perfect for him though, isn’t it? He’s such a little shit.”

“Don’t know how Evans is friends with him,” laughed Potter, and Severus watched as Potter ran a hand through his thick hair. 

“She feels sorry for him,” said Black. “I mean, _I_ feel sorry for him. Imagine having to wake up to that face every day.”

“The nose,” added Potter as he laughed.

“The clothes,” Black said in disgust.

“Everything,” said Potter. Severus watched Black shrink into his body and slink over to the wall in a grotesque mimicry of Severus’ own, jerky, nervous walk. Potter laughed uproariously, slapping the wall and nodding as he laughed. 

Severus flattened himself against wall and slipped passed them as they continued their joking. As he made it to the final set of stairs he could only hear them as a faint echo behind him. He saw the hidden entrance to the common room ahead of him and he felt himself relaxing as it came into view. He raised his wand and whispered _Finite Incantatem!_ , and his skinny hand clutching the wand and the fingers topped with black nails reappeared into his view.

He had made it into the common room and was pleased with his unnoticed entry when one of his Housemates tapped him as he walked past them towards his dormitory.

“Snape, Malfoy wants to see you. He’s waiting near the fire.”

The girl moved on before Severus could ask why. He felt a bubble of anxiety in his stomach. Why did _Malfoy_ want to talk to him? 

Severus walked towards the fire where the seventh form prefect was sitting in one of the armchairs. Malfoy had long, blonde hair and Severus knew he was very rich. The other boys talked about him in hushed whispers. He was very powerful, and it seemed even some of the teachers were frightened of him. Severus had tried to keep out of his way as much as possible. 

“You wanted to see me?” Severus asked nervously.

The older boy turned towards Severus and smiled.

“Snape! Yes. I heard it was your birthday today,” Malfoy said warmly, and the feeling in Severus’s stomach tightened agonisingly.

“Yes, today, yes,” he stammered and was mortified at how he sounded.

“I have a gift for you,” Malfoy’s voice was pleasant, but Severus couldn’t relax. 

“Oh… you do?” he asked.

“Yes,” Malfoy replied, tapping his fingers against the armchair. His nails were gleaming in the glow of the fire and Severus’ mind reminded him of the chewed, black, Muggle nails under his cloak.

“Thank you,” Severus said automatically.

“I’ve been taking an interest in you, Snape,” Malfoy said languidly. He gestured towards Severus.

“Oh,” was all Severus could think of saying.

“Yes. Slughorn says you’re the greatest potion talent he’s seen in decades and McNair tells me you have, well, let’s say you have quite the flair for the Dark Arts.”

“The D-D-Dark Arts?” Severus asked nervously. He didn’t want to get his mam in trouble. She’d taught him things and he’d _promised_ not to tell anyone.

“Oh, of course I meant _Defence Against_ the Dark Arts,” corrected Malfoy with a slight smirk.

“Oh, yes. I find it interesting,” answered a relieved Severus.

The older boy reached into his pocket and passed a small box to Severus. Severus took it, trying to hide his nails. He opened it and gasped. It was a robe pin, cast in heavy silver with a green stone as an adornment. It was quite a strange pin: a green, glassy skull with a yawning maw out of which a snake was curling out, its face twisting and hissing. Severus traced the skull with the tip on one finger. It looked like an emerald. Knowing what he knew about Malfoy, it probably was. Which meant he was probably holding something worth more money than his da made in half a year. 

Severus frowned. If he’d learnt anything from life it was that nothing was free, and nothing was given without conditions and expectations.

“I know what you’re thinking,” said Malfoy smoothly. “What’s the catch?”

Severus didn’t say anything, but he looked up and met Malfoy’s eyes with a question in his.

“There is no catch,” said the older boy as he stood up. “I happen to think you’re talented. And I think there are a lot of options for someone with your talents. Not everyone is as small-minded as the people at this school.”

Severus looked up at Malfoy, who smiled again and placed a hand on Severus’ shoulder. A spark of warm bloomed inside him. Even Lily didn’t think he was the best at anything. And now this boy, one of the most fearsome in Severus’ House, was talking to _him_ , and giving _him_ a birthday present! He felt the feeling rush through him. _Recognition_. Malfoy knew he was someone.

“I’m sure we’ll turn out to be very good friends,” said Malfoy.

Severus smiled.

[ ](https://imgur.com/HF9zgRW)


	3. Twenty-two

Severus sat gingerly on the ornate, brocade armchair. His elbows turned inwards to his body, as if they were as self-conscious of the grey, worn patches on his robe as the rest of his body was. He ran his tongue experimentally over his teeth under his lips to check for the third time whether anything was stuck in his gums.

“Here,” Lucius said, gesturing to a glass of wine that appeared next to him on a side table.

Severus picked it up and watched as tiny lines of bubbles trailed from the bottom of the glass to the top, creating a dreamy, fizzy quality to the liquid’s surface. He tried a subtle, experimental sniff, and saw Lucius watching him over the rim of his own glass, a look of amusement on his face.

“It’s champagne,” Lucius explained patiently.

“Oh,” Severus said. He’d never had champagne before. “I thought it was...that is to say, I thought that...” He stopped abruptly when Lucius laughed.

“Muggle made. Yes. Terribly uncivilised, of course, but they do have their _uses_ ,” Lucius continued airily.

Severus took a sip of the liquid. It popped very satisfactorily in his mouth.

“How are you enjoying Hogwarts?” Lucius asked.

“I don’t see why I should stay. I applied for the position under direction from Our Lord, to collect information. And now he is gone—“ Severus complained.

Lucius sat forward suddenly. 

“Do not lose faith, Severus. Our Lord had preparations in place for such an occurrence. Our role is simply to wait.”

“Preparations,” Severus repeated.

Lucius smiled thinly. “Indeed. Don’t bother asking. I was not privy to such information. But I do know he shall return to us, and I’d rather be waiting in the Manor than Azkaban.”

“Yes. Imperio, was it?” Severus asked.

Lucius shrugged and lounged back in the chair, staring at the ceiling.

“I’ve done truly horrendous things under the impetus of the Imperius curse. Things that shall haunt me endlessly,” he finished dramatically, and took another sip of his drink.

Severus didn’t particularly need the re-enactment, as he’d been in the Wizengamot to witness the performance first hand. He’d sat there, the heavy chains on his wrists dampening his magic, watching Lucius pout and preen, cry endless crocodile tears of remorse and penultimately be found innocent. Later Severus found out that Lucius had also bribed most of the judges. 

Money, Severus decided, could buy all sorts of things. 

“Effective,” Severus commented neutrally.

“Eminently,” agreed Lucius, and he placed his empty glass on the counter. “Dear Bella, of course, is loyal to a fault. She’d rather rot in Azkaban than publicly deny Our Lord.”

Severus shrugged. He did not like Bellatrix. He didn’t like her wild, heavy eyes and empty smile. He didn’t like the way her gaze would flip over him. He knew she saw into the heart of him and she found it lacking. He’d seen the image of her on the front of the _Daily Prophet_ as they took her from the court, screaming at the judges who cowered under her rage.

“No, she wasn’t a favourite of yours,” Lucius observed dryly. He clicked his fingers and their glasses filled. “She definitely underestimated _you_ , though. And I have to admit, so did I. Managing to convince Dumbledore to plead your case to the Wizengamot was… impressive.”

“Our Lord tasked me with ingratiating myself with Dumbledore and his trusted circle,” said Severus stiffly.

“Of course,” said Lucius. “I just wasn’t expecting you’d manage it. I should have. I recognised a long time ago you were a wizard of great talent.”

Severus sipped the drink, unsure of what to say. The door pushed open and a chubby, grinning baby with a toy wand fisted in a fat, little hand tottered inside.

“Ah, here’s trouble!” crowed Lucius and held out his arms. 

Severus watched the baby rush unsteadily towards Lucius, who leant forward and scooped the child up. He kissed a pinked cheek soundly and was immediately rewarded by the baby impaling him in the eye with the wand. Severus blinked hard, expecting the worst, but Lucius only laughed and returned the baby to the floor. The baby turned and staggered towards Severus before solemnly offering him the wand. Severus took it just as solemnly.

“Thank you, Draco,” he said.

[ ](https://imgur.com/HhoBN7R)

The child pulled himself up onto the armchair and onto Severus’ lap, reclaiming the wand and proceeding to assign all concentration to chewing it thoroughly. Severus could smell Draco’s hair and skin. He smelled soft and innocent. Severus looked down at the fluffy blonde hair and the peaceful expression that fell across the boy’s face as Draco masticated contentedly on the wand. He felt a strange surging feeling of protectiveness. He wondered if that had been what Lily felt, and why she’d given up everything in the protection of her son.

Lily, Severus thought despairingly.

Lucius smiled indulgently, misconstruing the emotion in Severus’s eyes as brought on by Draco.

“That’s another reason you must stay at Hogwarts, Severus. You _must_ protect Slytherin. You know how it was there, and it will be even worse now the Dark Lord has fallen,” Lucius said insistently.

Draco drummed his legs against Severus’ thigh as he cheerfully chattered in incomprehensible babble.

“Ah, _there_ you are,” Narcissa said fondly from the doorway and Draco raised his arms triumphantly at her, shaking the wand. She smiled and walked over to Severus, gently lifting the boy who immediately snuggled into her neck.

“Happy birthday, Severus,” she said.

“Thank you,” Severus replied politely.

“Ah, that reminds me,” said Lucius. He reached next to his chair and lifted a large, silver box wrapped in a green ribbon. He handed the box to Severus.

“Thank you,” Severus repeated. He reached for the end of the ribbons, but a sharp movement from Lucius stilled his hand.

“Come now, Severus, don’t be gauche. Open that at home. Besides, I have a better present for you.”

Narcissa shook her head and carried Draco out of the room. Lucius paused briefly to watch them exit. Severus observed his sharp face soften.

“I’m not sure whether you saw this in the _Prophet_ ,” Lucius said, handing a paper over to Severus.

“I had,” Severus confirmed tightly. He traced a finger over the headline proclaiming the arrest of Black, and the murder of seven muggles and Pettigrew. He lingered slightly on the Azkaban photo which captured Black’s unhinged face in agony.

“It’ll be a nice little family reunion for Black,” smirked Lucius. “He and Bella have a lot of catching up to do.”

Severus didn’t say anything. He looked down at the photo again. Black murdered Lily. He murdered her when he couldn’t keep his arrogant mouth shut.

“Yes. I remember. He had quite the little interest in you, Severus. A _particular_ interest,” said Lucius.

“He was a bully,” said Severus.

“He was a blood traitor,” said Lucius. “The only Black that went bad.”

Severus wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. So he said nothing. 

“If I remember, you thought that the Evans girl was a potential recruit,” Lucius said casually. 

Severus shrugged. “She was exceptionally talented.”

“Yes, perhaps… except for her bloodline. Talented, maybe, but not exceptionally bright given her proclivity for Potter. But that’s water under the bridge now, isn’t it?” 

As Lucius spoke, there was a crushing grief that bottomed out inside Severus. How could she be gone forever? He had thought...hoped...they’d be able to mend the brokenness between them one day. Now every unsaid word would remain so. They had not spoken in a year, and she certainly hadn’t been friendly to him for much longer, but he missed her terribly. 

He thought all these things and more, but made sure to keep everything carefully buried behind a calm, blank face. 

Lucius suspected nothing.

“Yes,” Severus said.

“Well, I promised you a present,” Lucius sighed. He put his glass down, and smoothed back his hair. “Black was _not_ the Secret Keeper for the Potters.”

Severus took a sip of his drink. “No?”

Lucius smiled. “No. It was one of ours.”

Severus looked up and across in confusion. “Who?”

“Pettigrew,” said Lucius. “Marvellous, isn’t it? He had been loyal to the Dark Lord for years. Dumbledore is so blind to prejudice. Of course he would never see one of his precious Gryffindors as a threat. They fell into our Lord’s hands.”

Severus looked back down at the anguished face of Black.

“You can feel satisfaction in knowing Black is paying for every one of his attacks on you. I dare say he’ll be able to relive a lot of _interesting_ memories.”

Lucius laughed and after a while, so did Severus.

[ ](https://imgur.com/bUunEpp)

* * *

Severus opened the package within his room and examined the contents. Rich, black wool spilled out of the box. He took out the clothes and discarded his worn, faded robes. He put on the pants and retired his boots, before donning the frock coat and buttoning it down over his wrists. He looked in the mirror at the black, forbidding figure with some satisfaction.

He strode to the Headmaster’s office, footsteps echoing on the stones under his boots and the gargoyle swung open at his approach. He made his way up the stairs and into the office where the Headmaster was waiting.

“How was Mister Malfoy?” Dumbledore asked.

“He is certain the Dark Lord will return,” said Severus.

“I see,” sighed Dumbledore. “Were you able to ascertain—?”

“He knows nothing of details,” Severus said, cutting him off. “He only knows the Dark Lord was preparing for the possibility of his death.”

“Interesting. And what of Malfoy himself?” asked Dumbledore.

“He remains committed to his beliefs despite his claims to the Wizengamot,” Severus said.

Dumbledore nodded. “Yes, I thought perhaps that was so. Do you have any thoughts on my other question?”

Severus looked away from the older wizard. “Yes. Malfoy craves power, but desires indulgence,”

“Hmmmm…”

“His family is his _true_ vulnerability. His wife and son,” said Severus quickly and coldly. 

Dumbledore smiled in satisfaction. “Excellent, my boy. And was there any other intelligence you were able to gather?”

Severus thought of Black, and Pettigrew, of innocence and of Azkaban. He thought of walks through the corridors of Hogwarts, heart in mouth, awaiting the inevitable attack.

“No,” Severus answered finally. “There was nothing.”

“Thank you for your report. I’d best let you go prepare for tomorrow’s lessons.” Dumbledore said.

“Yes, Dumbledore,” said Severus. He paused. “It’s my birthday today,” he said with a forced casual air.

Dumbledore smiled and stood up. He walked over to Severus and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Happy birthday,” he said. “Have a lemon sherbet."

[ ](https://imgur.com/5pERSnM)


	4. Thirty-eight

Technically Severus was in a same room as all the screaming, but his mind wasn’t.

[ ](https://imgur.com/I9AWXF8)

Inside his thoughts, he was enjoying a walk near the edge of the Forbidden Forest, just before dawn when the frost crackled under his bare feet and there was only the slightest hint of rose in the sky. _Disassociation._ That’s what the textbook that Severus had bought from a second-hand book store in Edinburgh described it as.

Initially he’d been quite pleased when he’d discovered it. It was a thing. A _real_ thing. There was a brief glorious moment of relief. He wasn’t going mad after all. Then he’d kept reading the paragraphs, discovering that it was a defence mechanism, particularly common in individuals who had grown up in dysfunctional or violent homes. Severus had frowned when he read that part and had thought about the monster at Spinner’s End. 

He obviously hadn’t gone to the Forbidden Forest as a child. He’d gone to different places. Once he’d met Lily, he’d gone to her house a bit when things got really bad, even though he only went twice in person. He hadn’t gone away as much at Hogwarts at first, but then the Potter and Black thing had got really bad, and sometimes he couldn’t help it.

Since the return of the Dark Lord, Severus had tried not to go away at all. He needed to stay present and vigilant, which was impossible if he was off, virtually frolicking in the forest. _Constant Vigilance_ … Wasn’t that what Moody had always said? 

When Severus had been called from Hogwarts earlier that night, the intensity of the Summons had been the first warning, and the churning feeling in his stomach had been the second. He’d arrived to find a quorum of Death Eaters gathered in the Manor’s ballroom. He’d made his greeting to the Dark Lord with a deferential bow, and had caught his eye briefly as he straightened up. That had been the third warning.

Some twenty or so years ago, Severus had first met Riddle, and he’d been somewhat surprised at the experience. He’d expected a zealot, a version of Grindelwald. Not the handsome middle-aged man with the odd eyes. 

And Riddle’s ideas. Well. It all had seemed so _sensible_ at the time. 

In Severus’s experience, Muggles _were_ jealous of magic. Look at Petunia. At his father. Riddle did have a point after all. Muggles _had_ done fairly badly at running the world. There was poverty, war, and disease. If those with magic took control instead of the Muggles, then these afflictions Muggles brought upon themselves could be cured. Of course Riddle also offered recognition, power… protection, things which Severus needed in spades. 

Severus had even thought Lily might agree with him, given her own experiences, but she hadn’t. She hadn’t at all. She’d disagreed violently. 

The others—Black, Potter, and the like—had said Riddle was a monster. 

Younger Severus couldn’t understand why they couldn’t see what he did. Riddle wasn’t the monster—Voldemort was—but gradually Voldemort controlled the body more and more until finally he became the Dark Lord. The man who’d carefully laid out plans to save Muggles from themselves was suppressed, and Severus didn’t see him much anymore. But unlike Lucius, McNair, Rookwood, and the others, Severus could tell the difference between Voldemort and Riddle. 

He thought he could probably thank his father for that.

Severus’s mind returned to the present and the moment that he had stood up from the slight genuflection. He’d met the eye of the Dark Lord, and in the depths of the red irises, there was no flicker of Riddle in there. When the Dark Lord began questioning followers on the whereabouts of Potter in a low, soft voice, Severus let himself fade quietly into the background. He watched dispassionately as those who pushed forward with eagerness were cut down in front of his eyes, followed closely by the stalwart followers like Rookwood, who tried to offer guidance. Severus remained mute. He stood silently until the Dark Lord spun on his heels in disgust and strode away from the gasps of pain he’d left behind him. Severus’s stomach tightened and he stepped forward.

“My Lord,” he began.

Voldemort turned towards him. “Severus. What is it?”

“I do not wish to waste your time; however, I feel that perhaps there is more I could be doing at Hogwarts,” Severus began.

“Is that so?” Voldemort asked smoothly.

“I believe that the remains of the Order will continue to resist you, and I must seek out talented students to join us,” Severus said.

Voldemort glanced away momentarily and Severus stared blankly ahead.

“Yes. I am certainly seeking some new blood,” Voldemort said. “Particularly when I have had such… _disappointments_ lately.”

“My Lord, I shall attend to this immediately,” Severus said, and he inclined his head deferentially. 

“You may leave,” Voldemort said.

Severus nodded and left the room, stepping over his fellow Death Eaters who lay on the floor, moaning in agony. He didn’t look back as he walked through the doorway, even though he could feel his back crawling with people’s desperate stares.

_Knowing the right thing to say at the right time is very good_ , Severus’s mind reminded him in his father’s voice. 

It was late when he returned to the castle, and he decided to patrol before he retired to bed. He was too wired to sleep, but it was also a good opportunity to make sure the Carrows weren’t up to anything horrible he wasn’t already aware of. He strode along the empty dark halls, absentmindedly listening to his footsteps echoing loudly as he walked. It was a comforting, rhythmic sound. He could hardly see himself in the darkness as he hadn’t bothered to light his wand, and his black robes melded into the darkness.

As he walked Severus let his mind wander back to the Manor and to his dispassionate reaction to the violence in front of him. Sometimes he felt life was like watching things through a cloudy window. When things got really bad, or stressful and he couldn’t go away, it was like someone offered him a helping hand. When he had to be the Death Eater. When he had to be the Headmaster. They could deal with those situations in a way that Severus could not. 

That part of him was cold, angry and numb and fit in perfectly with Lucius and Bellatrix. That part of him could sit calmly while a friend begged for her life in front of him before being eaten alive. That part of him could cast the Killing Curse at an old, injured wizard without hesitation. Stress brought that part out more than anything. Severus didn’t like The Death Eater...The Headmaster...but he was useful. 

Severus came across Gideon Wellington approximately one hundred feet from the Hogwarts kitchens. He saw the Hufflepuff first year before the boy saw him.

Severus swore internally. Confounded idiots! What would possess the child to wander the halls after curfew with the Carrows out for blood every night? He felt a prickly-hot rush of anger at the child for putting himself in such a position. For being found. And for creating trouble for Severus.

“And exactly what are you doing out of your dormitory out of curfew, Mister Wellington?” Severus asked in a low, dangerous voice. 

Mister Wellington turned around and Severus saw he was holding a mug of what appeared to be hot cocoa.

“I’m sorry, Headmaster… I was… I had a nightmare… I was scared,” stammered the boy.

Severus moved closer to the boy and stared down at him balefully. 

Couldn’t the boy see how much _harder_ he was making it for Severus? How could he keep everyone safe when they were all so stupid? Didn’t they care at all? Selfish, selfish children.

“You were so scared you decided to flagrantly break curfew and wander the halls of Hogwarts at night?” Severus asked. He could almost feel the vein in his forehead throbbing.

“No, Sir,” whispered the boy as his eyes filled with tears. “At home when I’m scared, my mum makes me cocoa. I thought it would help.”

“Get back to your common room immediately,” ordered Severus. “You have lost your house fifty points, and you should be thankful it is not worse than that.”

He leant over the boy further and noticed something in the gloom. The faintly lit sconce on the opposite wall barely emitted enough light to see by, but Severus could see the dark stain on the floor under the boy’s feet.

He’d wet himself.

_Disgusting_ , Severus thought angrily, looking away. 

He caught a movement in the corner of his peripheral vision and for one, terrible heart-clenching moment he saw his father across from him, and he could see he was all monster. There was no da at all. 

Severus suddenly realised he was looking at his own reflection in a castle window.

[ ](https://imgur.com/PEZMAhW)

He pulled himself abruptly upright as the anger drained from him in an instance, replaced by a dull sickness.

He lifted his wand.

And the boy cowered.

“Obliviate,” Severus almost whispered, and Mister Wellington’s eyes briefly glazed over. Severus redirected the boy in the direction of the Hufflepuff common room, and sent him on his way after a Cleansing Charm.

He stood in the corridor and watched the small figure depart. When he could no longer see the boy, Severus returned to the Headmaster's office.

[ ](https://imgur.com/j76Wvax)


	5. Fifty

There was a shard of sunlight burrowing through the blackout curtains into Severus’s eye and dragging him out of something approximating sleep.

For a few moments, Severus was unsure where he was. The light in his eye could be the window blind at St Mungo’s that was habitually left open near his bed. There had been a crack in the glass that always managed to refract the outside light right into his face. He’d mentioned it once to a passing Healer who’d rolled her eyes at him and hadn’t returned.

[ ](https://imgur.com/FYShdYy)

Because of the injury to his neck, he hadn’t been able to move his head, and therefore was forced to spend each morning blinking his eyes at the piercing intrusion. As the sun meandered across the sky, the light had also moved on, leaving him with a lingering, throbbing headache. He hadn’t complained about it after the first time. Why bother? After all, the Healers seemed largely irritated by his presence. Good intentions didn’t appear to get one very far at the end of the day. The mark on his arm said everything anyone cared to know, despite sporadic appearances from Ministry officials who assured him that his “alliances” during the war were under review.

_Under review._

How very bureaucratic and not even remotely reassuring it had all been.

During the second week of his confinement, he was grimacing on the bed, knowing he only had an hour or so left of the light when there was a sound of sweeping fabric and then blessed relief from the glare.

“That looked really annoying,” a voice had said from the window. “Why was it open?”

He’d looked as far right as his peripheral vision could see, and although his eyes were still adjusting to the new darkened room, he could make out a smiling figure holding a book as they turned from the curtains.

“Hello,” they’d said. “I thought you might like some company.”

He hadn’t known what to say, so he hadn’t said anything. But despite his silence, they’d stayed the whole day with him, and the next. 

And the next.

When he was discharged and sent home to Spinner’s End, they were still there. And they were there for the trial, for the verdict, and for the always endless questions, questions, questions.

In fact, they never left.

He assumed initially that it was pity. He couldn’t really see any other reason for their continued presence. After the first month of smiles, laughs, and the like, he decided it was probably a misplaced sense of responsibility. They’d decided to atone for something. Severus didn’t know what it was, but he was fairly sure it was more imagined than real.

He’d had enough of it by the second month, and informed them that their penance was paid in full and they could cease and desist.

Well.

It had turned out Severus hasn’t been as astute at reading the situation as he had congratulated himself as being. They had firmly set him straight that their intentions were wholly personal, described some staggeringly inventive activities they wanted to do with him, and stalked out of the house.

They’d returned of course and then, well, there was nothing left to do but a trial run of the aforementioned activities.

*

That had been over ten years ago.

Severus opened his eyes, and above him was a white ceiling, the pristine nature of which immediately indicated he was _not_ at St Mungos. The lazily circling ceiling fan similarly cancelled out Spinners End as his current location. 

Severus rolled over and exhaled a large sigh that quickly turned into a yawn and a bone-cracking stretch. He reached out an arm, but there were only empty sheets beside him. Severus blinked to himself and sat up. The room had the artificial chill of the air conditioner, but he didn’t mind it so much. It was less effort than remembering to recast charms every few hours. 

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stretched again. He looked down to discover he was no longer wearing his grey pyjamas, but instead was sporting a bright pink shirt with an adorable kitten proclaiming “It’s my purrrthday!” on the front. He looked further down where he appeared to also be wearing the matching pants to the top. 

He frowned.

He looked at the wall where a large banner with with smiling contortionist snakes spelled out the words “Happy Birthday.”

His frown deepened.

Severus stood up and walked from the bedroom into the outer room, but it was as empty as the room he had just left. There was an enormous glass of pineapple juice in the middle of a counter and a plate of slightly steaming roti canai. A handwritten note propped up against the glass proclaimed, “Eat me.” Severus eyed it suspiciously before deciding to do what it said.

After breakfast he decided to go down to the water, so he went back into the room to grab his bathers. 

He discovered the cupboard was completely bare except for a pair of bathers that definitely were not his. His were black. These were a bright, luminous green and spotted with anthropomorphic pineapples playing saxophones. A note next to the bathers read, “Wear me.” 

Severus closed the cupboard. 

_No._

_Way._

A quick yet futile search quickly identified that his wand was missing. He sighed. He was on holiday. He just didn’t want to bother with wandless magic, birthday or not, lurid green bathers or not. Severus returned to the cupboard and reopened the door. The bathers were still there, as was the helpfully instructive note.

[ ](https://imgur.com/9Gf3sLh)

Ten minutes later Severus and the extroverted green bathers walked towards the ocean. There were no waves here in the Andaman Sea. Just oddly warm water that he almost couldn’t distinguish from the moist air. He walked in until the water reached his chest, then lay back and let himself float languidly in the water. As he floated, he stared up into the hazy, blue sky. A brief blast of fat, tepid raindrops further blurred his ability to distinguish between sea and sky.

Severus closed his eyes in pleasure. 

After a while he walked back to shore and lay—still salty from the ocean—in the hammock that swung enticingly out the front of the villa. 

He closed his eyes as he rocked gently from side to side until it was stilled. 

Two hands moved over his eyes, and he smiled.

“Mmmmm, I like the way those bathers look on you.” He heard the throaty laugh hidden in the voice.

“Not very dignified for a man my age,” he countered.

There was a more obvious laugh.“No. Not dignified… But definitely _sexy_ ,” they said.

“Fifty years young,” Severus suggested.

“Definitely,” laughed the voice again.

Severus felt a pair of lips against his neck. “Steady on.”

“I can’t help it. You smell like pineapple. My favourite.”

“That explains the bathers,” said Severus. 

“These are a few of my favourite things,” the voice sang. 

Severus smiled as a hand started to stray down his body. He stilled it, holding it in his.“I love you,” he said before he realised what his brain had been planning.

“I love you, too.”

He pulled at the arm and there was an explosion of laughing as they fell onto the hammock with him and the two of them lay there quietly together, entwined, as the day passed.

Inside Severus, somewhere deep down that he thought had been lost forever, something small uncurled itself tentatively and began to sing its golden song.

[ ](https://imgur.com/rd0lYCu)

FIN


End file.
